I’m often accused of being grumpy or miserable. To which I normally reply: ‘Good, now fuck off and let me go about my day’. You see, being grumpy is not the same as being ‘unhappy’, or ‘depressed’. It really isn’t….
Yet all to often this is a concept that far too many people fail to grasp. Let’s make something clear; yes I get unhappy at times, just like all of us do. There are things in my life that make me sad; things that have made me deeply unhappy.
That is not the same as being grumpy. I often think that I’ve made a career out of being grumpy; so much so that it’s almost an art form; almost a performance. It might also be true that I use my grumpy outlook as a wall against the rest of the world, to prevent some people from getting too close to me.
It’s also true that I’m grumpy because I care. There are a lot of things in the world that piss me off, and I hate the fact that sometimes I can’t do anything, or very little, to change them.
I’m not an unhappy man. All things considered, I’ve led a normal, lucky life; and for that I’m very thankful. I’ve got a job, a roof over my head, great friends and for most of my life, until this year at least, good health. These things are important to me and make me happy, and hopeful for the future.
So, with that in mind, here are some examples of life’s little piss takes that really fuck me off:
1. Annoyingly happy people: Life is not THAT perfect! I do not want to listen to your inane drivel ALL day!
2. Loud school children on my train in the morning: Just because you go to a nice, private school doesn’t give you permission to act like a bunch of little fuck-wits.
3. David Cameron.
4. X-Factor: (see also Big Brother and any other pile of rancid shit on tv.)
5. Fools who insist on phoning me at two in the morning. You should know how much I love sleeping, or if you didn’t, you sure as hell do now.
6. Americanisms: You live in the UK for fucks sake!
7. Rude shop assistants: Look me in the eye when you’re serving me! I don’t want your ever lasting gratitude, just some basic good manners would be a start.
8. Cruelty to animals – including foxes.
9) Lazy people: Do something, ANYTHING with your lives!
10. Anyone who works in sales: I can spot these twunts from miles away. If I need something, I’ll come and buy it from you; until then, you’re nothing more than a ridiculous hair cut to me.
11. People who insist on talking about their children – constantly. I understand how much you love them, but I don’t need to know.
12. Office Christmas parties – why do I have to pretend that I’m having a good time with people I spend far too much time with in the first place?!
14. Arrogance (see salespeople)
15. Chain coffee shops: When I say large, I mean large, not some other stupid fucking word that you describe the word ‘large’ as!
16. The BNP: Along with any other buffoons out there with racist, fascist or disgusting views.
18. ‘Two Faced’ people: If you don’t like me, don’t pretend that you do; I really don’t care!
19. Religion: Feel free to believe in anything you want; just don’t EVER try to force your views upon me.
20. Dirty people: Have a wash for fucks sake! It’s not that hard!
This list could go on and on; believe me it really could. This is just an example though, and as such It’s served it’s purpose.
The point is this though, if you know me, do not mistake my grumpy facade as unhappiness – it’s not. I tend to keep those thoughts to myself, where they belong…….
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