Love…. The power of love. The destructive power of love that can sometimes leave one torn apart and as empty as a recently flushed toilet.
Please excuse me if I continue this post in the ‘third person’. I fear that this could end up as some rambling discourse on the human condition; a tale of broken and mended hearts. A story of despair, tears, even more despair, hopelessness and then nothing.
Nothing but an empty, sinking feeling. Coupled with a massive amount of regret….
Is this a love story? No. Is it a warning tale? Possibly. Don’t forget though, none of this really ever happened. I’m just tossing a few ideas and thoughts around my over active mind.
How a fool begins…
Love won and love lost. The pain, the absolute agony of falling in love. The juxtaposition between thrilling excitement and the worst feeling in the world. The nervousness, the dry mouth; out of which the words you always meant to say fail to appear. A stolen moment, a kiss. Looking into eyes you feel you’ve known forever.
Little things you never forget, however hard you try. Hair, shimmering in the early evening sun. Hands, fingers, eyes. Her smile, her laugh. These things will always stay long after she has gone.
Lying awake at night; your thoughts taken over by one person. The tears, the anger, the sickness at the pit of your stomach. The ‘not knowing’, the anguish, the pain, work suffering, health failing, empty bottles increasing….
Music. Every song reminds you in some way. Still, you listen to them even more. All the time. Keeping busy; time spent doing nothing is just more time when they fill your stupid head. You travel to work on the early train, you look at the fields change through the seasons. From summer to autumn; it seems to have a strange significance. The fields change from the golden glow of July and August, to the dark browns of September. Leaves turning; fluttering down to the ground. No longer shielding your eyes from the bright sun.
Confidence. Increased and then destroyed. Smashed to tiny pieces like a million shards of shattered glass. Heart racing. You feel alive when you’re with them; although you keep telling yourself that you can’t go through this again. Please not again…
To face the truth. The awful truth; the inevitable truth. You cry; but would never admit it. At 3am you lie there feeling as helpless and exposed as a new born baby. You think, “This can’t be happening to me”. It is though; so what do you do? Ignore the feelings deep inside you? Train ones heart to become as cold as ice? Then you see them; you see them again and you melt. Keep it together. For fucks sake keep it together this time. Please don’t lose the plot again. You try to appear aloof, distant, not giving a shit. Of course you just end up looking stupid… Again and again and again…
Life. Time stretches on; moving so quickly. Days to weeks; weeks to months. The slow, painful process of repair begins. Renewal; you start again. The false dawn; the setbacks, one step forward, one thousand steps back. Time heals; stolen time, wasted time, a time you can’t forget. Time to move on; make a new start, move forward, no looking back, don’t look back. Never look back….
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